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[icon] Straight to Your Heart Like a Cannonball
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Subject:Bull-sheet
Time:11:41 pm
All the good ones are already married. Or the good ones I actually wanted, anyway.
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Subject:"Dear John"
Time:03:04 pm
I have to put this somewhere.

Dear WJK,

I want you to know that I miss you dearly. I don't know why you didn't even tell me goodbye, you just sent me a text message to let me know you took a bus to Florida, but I suppose that's textbook you. I don't know if you know how deeply you have affected me. When I left my previous, I had high hopes for us -- partly because of your enthusiasm and passion for what we were going to build. You told me you weren't looking for a girlfriend; you were looking for your wife. You told me you loved me, but you took it back. Once upon a time, you held me and kissed me like you meant it. I told you I couldn't wait to fall in love with you. I held up my end of the deal, but look at us now. Somehow the tenderness we shared became "punishments" and belittling remarks. Why? I know it has nothing to do with me, but I had to experience it. I'm sorry you had to go to war and that you had to do things that haunt you. I really am sorry. I can never understand it, but I deeply regret that these things so hugely damaged an incredible man. I know you are still in there somewhere, maybe completely dormant at this point, but you are in there and every now and then, there are glimmers of that great man. When you are him, I turn to mush. I wanted you since the first time I saw you and the idea that you, this person I had in the back of my mind for years, were finally with me, is what made me ignore the first signs that things weren't going to work out. And now it's too late. I know you have things you need to deal with, and they are things I can't fix, but whether you are with me or not, know that I would have loved you and stood by you through all of it, if you hadn't pushed me away again and again until I couldn't take it anymore. I still have love for you, WJK. If you ever decide to come back, it's waiting for you.
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Subject:Hello There, LiveJournal.
Time:05:04 pm
I must admit that the status update function on Facebook takes most of my short updates and I almost forgot about you, dear LiveJournal.

Let's see. I have two more classes to attend this week and then I never have to go to class again! I'm not graduating, I've just finished my coursework and I'm moving on to thesis land. Thursday afternoon when I leave Research Methods, I'm going to do a happy dance.

The end, for now.
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Subject:Halp meh.
Time:07:23 pm
I need a part time job. I want to wait tables. I have experience. I know jobs are hard to come by but if any of you guys work at a place that would hire little ol' me for a few nights a week that would be just GRAND!

Also, still confused. Noooo big deal.
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Subject:The Sun Also Sets
Time:11:25 pm
I guess these things are never as simple as they seem to begin with. I am going to chalk this intensification of weird feelings up to Aunt Flo. She makes me think crazy people thoughts.

Did I mention that I hate bad timing? Guilt, elation, sadness, liberation, abandonment, oh, and guilt. Lots of guilt. In fact, I feel like I shouldn't even write about it, so I won't. Adult relationships are hard.
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Subject:I'm Standing at the Station, Like Some Old Record Waiting on a Train
Time:08:11 am
It feels good to wake up early and feeling well on a Saturday. I spent last night eating Zaxby's and watching TV with good ol' Lupo, then some DVD watching at my house by myself. I didn't mind. In fact, I enjoyed it.

The predicament from the last entry has been resolved, but we have decided to hold off on making a commitment of any sort at this time due to right now's proximity to the termination of both our previous relationships. I think this is probably the only wise decision he and I have made thus far.

All this time off with nothing to do is driving me insane. On the upside, I've been spending a lot of time in the gym. I think I just need to get a part-time job. The hard part, then, is finding one that I don't hate.

I'm proud of how mature Stephen and I have handled our breakup. He who did not make a spectacular boyfriend (for me) makes an excellent best friend.
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Subject:Back to the Drawing Board
Time:02:26 pm
Stephen and I broke up again. I guess this time it's for good. I suppose it was time for us to go our separate ways, but adjusting to being alone is going to be hard. I love him and will miss him because he has been my best friend for the last year and a half. I don't know why I'm writing this here.
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Subject:Strange Dreams
Time:09:33 am
I've had bizarre dreams for the last two nights. They weren't strange in that way that dreams can take you to places that couldn't exist. These were more realistic. And one of them took me to one of the last places I'd ever want to be: a Christian reform camp.

Somehow, I had gotten shipped off to this camp to be converted to a believer. I remember being in a parking garage somewhere and everyone around was one of "them." It struck me as strange, so I made my way to street level and tried to hitchhike my way out of there. The girl who picked me up was... you guessed it... also ONE OF THEM. They put me back in my room and told me I needed to reconsider my path or something like that. I said fuck that and sent out some snarky emails to friends asking them to pick me up. Shortly after, one of the leaders came to my door with a printed copy of my email. THEY HAD INFILTRATED MY EMAIL, TOO! I woke up not long after that.

Last night, I had a dream that it was my wedding day. I didn't have a dress or anyone to help me, and it was about half an hour before the event when I was struggling to put together an outfit that looked enough like a wedding dress to not make me feel like I wasted that "special day" when I realized I didn't know who it was I was marrying. I couldn't even picture his face, so I decided to just stay home instead. Nobody came looking for me, but I did get a text message from this mystery guy saying he didn't like me anymore.

Is someone trying to tell me some things? Listen, apparition, you're not going to scare me into Jesus's arms just by having me captured by religious zealots in my dreams.

On that note, I suppose I have taken to daydreaming and escapism to get me through the rest of this semester. It'll probably last until the end of the summer when I finish all of my classes and I can finally take off on my own to produce my thesis. I just have to tell myself that the thesis will be awesome (it really will, I am not bullshitting) because I can form my own crew and take as long as I want to shoot it. I won't have the same pressures of having to hurry so much, and I can work with the people who bring out the best in my work. Just one more year of living like a student. One more summer of being Georgia State's bitch. Next year I'm free agent, no more assistantship. As soon as that thesis is done, I can start working (presuming I find something) and have a real grown-up life! Maybe I can even get my own place! I can't wait to live alone and be able to decorate how I want without worrying that the things I buy will end up destroyed. I'm going to spend all my free time making things pretty and cooking and oh my I'm just so excited!
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Subject:Like the Twilight
Time:07:22 pm
That special time of crazy is taking over my thoughts... why must I be a crazy for about three days out of every month? I suppose it struck today because I am spending time alone for the first time in a while.

Watching everyone's lives come together makes me feel really sad sometimes. So many of my friends have gotten married or are living with their significant other. Everyone is done with school and has gotten jobs that they love or at least like, and are leading adult lives. I'm happy for everyone, I just really wish I could have that. I know I made the choice to go to grad school, and there are people way older than me who are still living like students, but I just feel like I'm so ready to do something else. My friends who grew up all go out together and do things adult couples do. I wish that they still wanted to spend time with me, but I feel like I am stuck in their pasts. I want to have a job and make enough money to not have roommates and to go on trips and improve my place, but I can't right now, and I feel like every month I get further and further behind where I should be in my life.
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Subject:Observations
Time:01:10 pm
The other day I was in the checkout line at Kroger and the girl in front of me had one of those rolling basket things that bum ladies always have. It was full of giant bags of oranges and apples and what not. I decided that she lives in one of those big houses full of hippies where they all share grocery shopping duties. I'm not sure why I came to that conclusion. I just did.

Elevators. What is so hard for people to understand about letting someone get off before you get on? The same goes for things like subways, buses, etc., though I don't really ride those anymore. Last week I was trying to get off the elevator and just ONE lady needed to get on, but when the doors open she SHOVED herself in frantically as if she was going to miss the most important moment of her life if she didn't get on right away. I was the ONLY ONE in the elevator and she was the ONLY ONE getting on. Really, lady? You couldn't wait ONE second for me to step off? This happens a lot.

Yesterday my class learned about ADR in the recording studio in the DAEL. My class of five, plus instructor, stepped into the little sound-proof booth and closed the door. It was clear that one of my classmates had not showered in several days and another's cologne/soap/whatever was not one of my favorite scents. The temperature quickly elevated and everyone's odor overwhelmed the tiny space. I felt trapped in the tiny room and when the door finally opened I felt like those breaths of sound foam-scented air were breaths from a fresh, breezy meadow...

I really need to clean up my room and clean my whole house. My landlord is a bit nutty and something has gone wrong with the electrical outlet that powers the fridge. We called him on Sunday to let him know, and he promised us an electrician on Monday. Today is Wednesday and the fridge is plugged into an outlet in the bathroom via big orange extension cord, and the fridge is out in the middle of the kitchen. Still no word from ol' landlord. If nothing is done about this by the end of the week, I'm calling an electrician myself and taking this shit out of the rent.

I need to start doing something funny again.

Lastly, I have decided, after watching five full seasons of Entourage, that Los Angeles maybe doesn't seem so bad. I don't know. If I got a job out there, I'd go, but otherwise, I guess I'm still obsessed with the idea of living in New York.
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[icon] Straight to Your Heart Like a Cannonball
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
View:Friends.
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You're looking at the latest 10 entries.
Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 10 entries